113.

I’m in such a weird place right now. Bromance and I ended things quite badly. Which is awful – since we work together we have to keep appearances professional and correct. Also we both have an internship at the same company and will write two different papers on it, together. I mean, I’m literally heartbroken, and then we have to stay nice to each other (which is a good thing honestly), but then again.. He buys me dinner, he wants me to spend the night, he stays close, he gets physical and I’m devastated he doesn’t want more. But also it’s good. It’s honest. I’m not going to leave my man, and bromance will never get out of the closet. An affair, or more, would be too hard for us to handle. Just the fact that people started asking about us made him freak out. Hell it even makes ME freak out when people ask about us. I’m chasing something I can’t get and I know it. 

Then again. We work really well together, on a professional level. That could be enough. It’s just that feeling of “how can it be wrong when it feels so right”. On a private level I’m not sure that I can get over the fact that when we started getting really close and intimate he freaked out and said it’s wrong to be gay. Talk about a knife in the back. In the heart. I most likely will never trust this man again. But then he puts his hand on my thigh and I forget everything. Puts slices of orange in my mouth, ask me if it’s sweet, and when i reply “yes” he wants the slice back from my mouth. It’s a weird place. When I spend the night he makes me wear his underwear: which would be fine if we were 13 years of age, but as adults? Why the hell does he want my dick print in his underwear? Is this the man I’m starting a company with? 

On the bright side my man and I are in a really good place right now. 

112.

[edit: got some more likes, on both twitter accounts so] ]I did this on Twitter: got some likes. If you like it some more, I’ll add more confessions…

  1. My entire well being is hung up on others.
  2. I have had sex on stage.
  3. Out of all that I’ve had sex with only 2,75% are women, but I still have the right to call my self bisexual.
  4. They say that the first million is the hardest (starting from nothing). They are mistaken. I found the third to be the hardest.
  5. Eight years and six months ago I was on social well fare, and literally had nothing at all.
  6. I’ve never had sex on a train. But I’ve have had sex with colleagues.
  7. I’m completely wild with the colour yellow.
  8. I have a social security number in three countries.
  9. This year (2015), I’ve had sex with the total amount of two people.
  10. I’ve never tried massage. I got a gift card once for a massage but never dared to go. I’m afraid of someone touching me like that. For real.
  11. There are things I wouldn’t even tell my best friend.
  12. I’m meticulous enough to clean with a toothbrush and cotton wads, just to make sure that the tiniest nooks get clean too.
  13. I have two finished novels in a drawer. So to speak. And several unfinished ones.
  14. On my best exhibition I sold over 50% of the paintings. On the weakest one I only sold one item.
  15. This year (2015) like last year, I make more money on my origami than on my literary work.
  16. I don’t have a driving license, never even drove anything.
  17. My cock is probably smaller than your expectations on it.
  18. Have low confidence. Bad self esteem. I listen more to all the negative stuff you say than the good things.
  19. There are crushes that still, after ten years, are texting me about getting it on again, so probably I AM that good, or my cock is THAT BIG. For ever texting. Forever.
  20. I have four different credit cards. In four different banks.
  21. Just once I’ve voted for the same party in municipality, region and government. Just once. The feminist party that was. I usually vote for one party on each level.
  22. I’m not a morning person. But I can fake it.
  23. I say I love to tan naked. Number of times I’ve been to the nude beach 2015: zero. Number of times to the beach at all to tan: perhaps 7. Number of times to go swimming: probably 7 too.
  24. I’ve written more books than my own.
  25. I eat too little.
  26. I’m so afraid to fail. But how long will one last when working 50%, studying double courses at school (200%), I barely have time to my self? (But I want this so bad!)
  27. I’ve rectified number 6 now LOL
  28. I think it’s ok to paint your old fish bone patterned wooden floor.
  29. My mind is filled with all the things I never said.
  30. I’m a fluent speaker in four languages: Swedish, Dutch, Danish and English. Also know my way around a few more: German, Norwegian, French, Italian, Spanish. But I don’t know a single word in my mothers family’s native languages [meänkiele & romani].

111.

This year is the worst. I wanted to work at a certain place during summer, didn’t get to do that. So I worked where I’ve always worked – which is good money so no complaints more that that it would have been nice to work somewhere that has something with my new education to do. 

My boyfriend and I are still in a shitty place. My bromance is having a heterosexual heart and I have fallen in love. I’m tired of commuting from home, to university, to work, to university, between two homes with two men that don’t bother to be nice to me any longer. Because I’m down. Who the fuck will hire me? I’m old. I’m not bright. I’m nothing. 

And my mother passed away. Suddenly. I talked to her on the phone the day before and was all like “Sure I’ll pop around for a coffee tomorrow, talk later” and then she died in her sleep. Which is a good way to go actually: no hospital scenery (I hate those), no pain, no nothing. Just peaceful. (Ok, here both men actually pulled themselves together and were very nice and caring). 

And now. I just want to sell everything and move. Do nothing. Figure out who me be so to speak. Also I need comfort sex. And sun. Winter is coming.

110.

Business University is like this. I meet a never ending stream of companys, and all I think is “I see what you did there”.. How will I ever work in this industry? On the down side: it’s all bullshit, and I couldn’t care less about your management control systems, return on this and that since you don’t really care about the employees nor the environment. On the up side: I can change all that. It’s basically up to me to save the world LOL. 

Probably I’ll never have to. No one will employ me. Who wants to hire a fool with his cock all over the internet? Please tell me I’m wrong. 

Also down: fighting with boyfriend. Also up: things going well with bromance.

109.

It was a cold summer. A short summer. Didn’t go to the beach even once this year. Didn’t tan, didn’t swim. Sure, I had that one week off, but mostly I had to work every day. And now: back at the university. Still confused over what I want to do with my life. Still confused over bromance and boyfriend. 

My self esteem is low. My confidence is gone. I hate my looks. I’m not satisfied with anything. I just want to buy a ticket out of here, go somewhere. Alone. Restore myself. Reboot my life. Redo life. Start over.

108.

What life feels like. Where ever you go, there’s some one ready to say “oh hey you’re dick is everywhere on the internet”. And so what if it is? It doesn’t mean I get laid more, it doesn’t mean I sleep around. It doesn’t even sell more of my books or my art. 

It’s just my sexuality. To show. To those that wish to see. Others can just ignore it’s out there. To those that say something I just go “oh yeah, YOU LIKED it?” or “Ah, to big to stay inside of my pants you know…”.