This year is the worst. I wanted to work at a certain place during summer, didn’t get to do that. So I worked where I’ve always worked – which is good money so no complaints more that that it would have been nice to work somewhere that has something with my new education to do.
My boyfriend and I are still in a shitty place. My bromance is having a heterosexual heart and I have fallen in love. I’m tired of commuting from home, to university, to work, to university, between two homes with two men that don’t bother to be nice to me any longer. Because I’m down. Who the fuck will hire me? I’m old. I’m not bright. I’m nothing.
And my mother passed away. Suddenly. I talked to her on the phone the day before and was all like “Sure I’ll pop around for a coffee tomorrow, talk later” and then she died in her sleep. Which is a good way to go actually: no hospital scenery (I hate those), no pain, no nothing. Just peaceful. (Ok, here both men actually pulled themselves together and were very nice and caring).
And now. I just want to sell everything and move. Do nothing. Figure out who me be so to speak. Also I need comfort sex. And sun. Winter is coming.
Business University is like this. I meet a never ending stream of companys, and all I think is “I see what you did there”.. How will I ever work in this industry? On the down side: it’s all bullshit, and I couldn’t care less about your management control systems, return on this and that since you don’t really care about the employees nor the environment. On the up side: I can change all that. It’s basically up to me to save the world LOL.
Probably I’ll never have to. No one will employ me. Who wants to hire a fool with his cock all over the internet? Please tell me I’m wrong.
Also down: fighting with boyfriend. Also up: things going well with bromance.
It was a cold summer. A short summer. Didn’t go to the beach even once this year. Didn’t tan, didn’t swim. Sure, I had that one week off, but mostly I had to work every day. And now: back at the university. Still confused over what I want to do with my life. Still confused over bromance and boyfriend.
My self esteem is low. My confidence is gone. I hate my looks. I’m not satisfied with anything. I just want to buy a ticket out of here, go somewhere. Alone. Restore myself. Reboot my life. Redo life. Start over.
What life feels like. Where ever you go, there’s some one ready to say “oh hey you’re dick is everywhere on the internet”. And so what if it is? It doesn’t mean I get laid more, it doesn’t mean I sleep around. It doesn’t even sell more of my books or my art.
It’s just my sexuality. To show. To those that wish to see. Others can just ignore it’s out there. To those that say something I just go “oh yeah, YOU LIKED it?” or “Ah, to big to stay inside of my pants you know…”.